Adult Children of Emotionally Abusive families often dread spending time with their family, especially during the holidays, and for good reason. If your parents and/or siblings have continued to act inappropriately or abusively toward you, your children or your partner it can feel like torture to be in their presence. It can bring back painful memories of what it was like growing up around your family members and many survivors report feeling nauseous or experiencing other physical symptoms such as severe anxiety, headaches and dissociation when they even contemplate being around family members. If this applies to you and if you decide to attend the family gathering anyway, instead of feeling constantly victimized by what occurs in your family the following suggestions can help you feel more in control of what happens to you.

1. When you were a child you had no control over what happened to you. Now, it is important to remind yourself that you are an adult and as such, you have a lot more to say in terms of creating your holiday experience.
2. Prepare for your visit by creating a “triggers” list—a list of situations that remind you of past childhood hurts or traumas. Then, when you become upset, ask yourself if you have been triggered. If you have been, bring yourself back to the present by taking some deep breaths, feeling your feet on the ground, picking a color and looking around the room to find objects that are that color. You can also excuse yourself, go into the bathroom and look in the mirror at yourself and say words like: “I’m okay.” This will also bring you back to the present.
3. If you were emotionally, physically or sexually abused by a parent or sibling when you were growing up and this family member continues to bully, challenge or abuse you, consider whether it is safe to be around them. You aren’t a wimp or a weakling because you freeze in their presence. You aren’t a coward because you find that you can’t speak up for yourself. These are normal reactions to having been traumatized. Either choose to opt out of any family gathering where you will be exposed to this person, or practice standing up to them. For example, pretend you are confronting an abusive family member by telling them to leave you alone or practice saying the word “No!” You will become more self-confident and feel more empowered the more you practice. If the family member who harmed you is still dangerous today it is probably not a good idea to actually confront them but even so, practicing doing so can empower you to not allow them to abuse you.
4. Consider staying at a hotel instead of a family member’s house. If this is the home you were raised in the house itself can become a trigger, reminding you of past traumatic events. Also, if you stay in a hotel it will offer you an escape if you become overwhelmed.
5. Instead of constantly feeling victimized by the behavior of other family members, take a close look at what you may be doing that contributes to the family drama. For example, do you have a tendency to compete with your siblings for your parents’ attention (because your parents encouraged competition and/or you had to compete for your parents’ attention?) If so, you can eliminate feeling hurt by opting out of the competition. While I understand that this can be easier said than done, here’s one remedy: instead of focusing your attention on the interactions between your parent and your siblings, focus on your own children and your partner.
6. If you are holding onto a lot of anger toward a family member, consider writing an “anger letter” in which you write down all the reasons you are angry with this person—all the things they have done to hurt you. Don’t censor yourself, write down everything you are feeling. You are not going to send this letter so it is not going to hurt your family member or pose a threat to you. It is just an exercise in releasing pent-up anger so that it will be less likely to spill out during the gathering.
7. Take good care of yourself by getting plenty of sleep the night before a visit. If you find yourself getting anxious, do the following to calm yourself down: 1) Listen to calm music, 2) Take a walk or run, 3) Write your feelings down in a journal.
8. If one or more family members has an alcohol or drug problem, avoid drinking or taking drugs around them (yes, this includes marijuana). This is especially true if you’ve noticed that family arguments and drama usually occur after everyone has been partaking. And if a drunk or high family member begins to get belligerent, or starts to attack you in some way, don’t engage in an argument with them, just leave the room or the house.
9. If you know or suspect that a family member suffers from a personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or another type of mental illness, don’t expect them to change their behavior without extensive therapy and possibly medication. Instead, learn all you can about their condition. The more you understand them the better able you will be to cope with their behavior. Also, know what you are walking into and prepare yourself for their hurtful, challenging or abusive behavior. Instead of reacting by getting angry with them or telling them how wrong they are, simply excuse yourself and leave their presence, whether it means leaving the room or leaving the house.
10. Set clear boundaries and limits when it comes to how family members can treat you and your children (i.e. “You can’t yell at my kids”). You can communicate your boundaries to your family members but of course, this doesn’t mean they will honor them, especially if they suffer from a personality disorder. But remember: personal limits and boundaries are not about controlling other people’s behavior but are actually an example of taking care of yourself. For example, unacceptable behavior from a BPD or NPD family member can include: “lashing out” at you when they are triggered, verbally abusing you with name calling, and talking negatively about you with other family members. If a family member crosses your boundaries, protect your children and be a positive role model for them by taking them out of the presence of the offending family member. You don’t have to create a big scene, just quietly pack up your things and go.

Hopefully, the above suggestions will help you take care of yourself when you are in your parents’, siblings’ or other abusive family members presence, but if you find that you aren’t able to follow these recommendations, please don’t chastise yourself or think of yourself as weak. Instead, treat yourself with self-compassion and remember that you sustained a great deal of damage growing up in your emotionally abusive household and this damage may still be preventing you from acting on your own behalf. Give yourself credit for the changes you have been able to make and trust that by continuing in your efforts to heal, you will eventually feel empowered enough to stand up for yourself and take care of yourself in the ways you deserve.

And remember: You may feel obligated to spend the holidays with your family but you have an even more important obligation to protect yourself and your children from dangerous and abusive family members.