Surviving Holiday Family Gatherings

Adult children of emotionally abusive families may dread spending time with their family, especially during the holidays. If this applies to you, instead of feeling constantly victimized by family members during holiday gatherings, try the following suggestions that may help you feel more in control of what occurs.

1. The most important thing to do is to remember that holidays bring back memories of when you were a child, when you had no control over what happened to you. It is important to remind yourself that you are now an adult, and as such, you have a lot more say in terms of creating your holiday experience.
2. Take good care of yourself by getting plenty of sleep the night before a visit. If you find yourself getting anxious, take steps to calm yourself down by listening to calm music, taking a walk or run, or writing your feelings down in a journal.
3. Consider staying at a hotel instead of a family member’s house. If this is the home you were raised in, the house itself can become a trigger, reminding you of past traumatic events. Also, if you stay at a hotel, you will have a place to escape to if you become overwhelmed.
4. Instead of constantly feeling victimized by the behavior of other family members, take a close look at what you may be doing to contribute to the family drama. For example, do you have a tendency to compete with your siblings for your parents’ attention? If so, you can eliminate feeling hurt by opting out of the competition. For instance, instead of focusing your attention on what is going on between your parents and your siblings, focus instead on your spouse and your children.
5. If you are holding on to a lot of anger toward a family member, consider writing an “anger letter” in which you write down all the reasons you are angry with this person—all the things they have done to hurt you. Don’t censor yourself; write down everything you are feeling. You are not going to send this letter, so it is not going to hurt your family member. It is just an exercise in releasing pent-up anger so that it will be less likely to spill out during the gathering.
6. Prepare for your visit by creating a “triggers” list, a list of situations that remind you of past childhood hurts or traumas. Then, when you become upset, ask yourself if you have been triggered. If you have been, bring yourself back to the present by taking some deep breaths, feeling your feet on the ground, or picking a color and looking around the room to find objects that are that color.
7. If you were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused by a sibling or a parent when you were growing up and this family member continues to bully, challenge, or abuse you, consider whether it is safe to be around them. You aren’t being a wimp or a weakling because you freeze in their presence. You aren’t being a coward because you find that you can’t speak up for yourself. These are normal reactions to having been traumatized. Either choose to opt out of any family gathering where you will be exposed to this person or practice standing up to them. You will become more self-confident and feel more empowered every time you speak up.
8. If one or more family members have an alcohol or drug problem, avoid drinking or taking drugs around them (yes, including marijuana). This is especially true if you’ve noticed that family arguments and drama usually occur after everyone has been partaking.
9. If you know or suspect that a family member suffers from a personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or another type of mental illness, don’t expect them to change their behavior without extensive therapy. Instead, learn all you can about their condition. The more you understand them, the better able you will be to cope with their behavior. Also, know what you are walking into and prepare yourself for their hurtful, challenging, or abusive behavior. Instead of reacting by getting angry with them or telling them how wrong they are, simply excuse yourself and leave their presence, whether it means leaving the room or leaving the house.
10. Set clear boundaries when it comes to how family members can treat you and your children (for example, “you can’t yell at my kids”). Personal limits and boundaries are not about controlling other people’s behavior but are actually an example of taking care of yourself. For instance, unacceptable behavior from a BPD or NPD family member can include: “lashing out” at you when they are triggered, verbally abusing you with name-calling, and talking negatively about you with other family members behind your back. If a family member crosses your boundaries, protect your children and be a positive role model for them by taking them out of the presence of the offending family member. You don’t have to create a big scene, just quietly pack up your things and go.

Hopefully, the above suggestions will help you take care of yourself when you are in your parent’s, sibling’s, or other abusive family member’s presence, but if you find that you aren’t able to follow these recommendations, please don’t chastise yourself or think of yourself as weak. Instead, treat yourself with self-compassion and remember that you sustained a great deal of damage growing up in your emotionally abusive household, and this damage may still be preventing you from acting on your own behalf. Give yourself credit for the changes you have been able to make and trust that by continuing in your efforts to heal, you will eventually feel empowered enough to stand up for yourself and take care of yourself in the ways you deserve.

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